Funerals: How to Plan One
Please note that much of the following relates to funerals in the Christian tradition. Information about funeral etiquette in other faiths is available here.
No matter how hard it can feel discussion about the funeral has to happen very soon after a death - quite likely in the day or so after. However, there are people to help, and you should never be afraid to ask. The Funeral Director you choose will guide you – also the person you choose to lead the service. You can ask the minister of the local Anglican church where the person died, whether or not they worshipped there, or of another place of worship if you, or they were connected. Alternatively, your Funeral Director can help you find a suitable minister, or a Civil Celebrant for a non-religious service if that is what you would prefer. You can also search for a Civil Celebrant in your area here.
A funeral is an opportunity to create a special tribute to your loved one and whilst painful, can also be memorable and a positive experience. If you have young people in your family, try to involve them in some way, however small. Give them the opportunity to attend, allowing them to decide not come if that is their choice nearer the time.
You can find some very helpful advice about how to support bereaved young people and how to help them prepare for a funeral on this page: how to support a bereaved young person.
Discussing Burials and Cremations
You will probably discuss with the Funeral Director whether a burial or cremation is more appropriate. They, together with a Church or local Council will be able to guide you on the rights for interment and burial.
Be aware that if you choose a burial, the site can become important. Consider how you or other family members might feel if you or they move away. Some people can feel they are leaving their loved one behind. With cremations, there may be differences of opinion on the scattering of ashes, over when and where, or if the ashes should be buried. Collectively, it can be very hard to decide, and as time goes on it can become a bigger issue, so ideally agree before the funeral what you will do, so it is easier to deal with later on. If you are planning to have a headstone or a plaque in a cemetery or church yard, seek clarity on the guidelines for inscriptions, shape and size from your Funeral Directors, Monumental masons, or Church leader from the outset to ensure your expectations can be met.
The Service
When preparing for the service, you can be imaginative: what do you and the family need at this time? It’s important to have a positive experience as this will make you and the family feel that the person has been honoured.
For people of faith, a place of worship is often the venue for a funeral service with the crematorium or burial beforehand or after. A minister of your religion can also hold the service in the crematorium, but time is usually restricted. Ask your Funeral Directors about all the possibilities and timings and choose whatever feels good for you and the family, checking at the outset the cost.
If you are going to have a service sheet, there are many options to make this very personal and reflective of the person who has died. Many people use it as an opportunity to offer details on how to donate to a particular cause their loved one felt passionate about in lieu of flowers, or an organisation that supported their loved one, or a charity connected with how the person died. You don’t have to choose just one charity. Could you consider adding AtaLoss, to ensure your grieving family and friends, and those of others who die are helped? Your Funeral Director will guide you as to how many service sheet copies to have. It is always useful to have an extra few to be able to send out to those who were unable to attend and for your own memory keepsakes. If you are expecting floral tributes think about where they might go at the time of the service and after.
Discuss with your minister the songs and music you would like. These could be ones your loved one liked or that feel good for you. Music can be played and hymns can be sung. If you would like to include hymns, try to choose ones which are likely to be known. Also ask for ideas for the readings. Bible readings can be comforting, and poems can express what you would like to say. If there is to be a Eulogy or reflection, consider who needs to contribute to this and who will read it. If a member of the family plans to read this in the service, ensure that the service leader has a copy in advance to be able to support them. It also helps the service leader to sensitively shape their words with relevance to the person who has died.
In some crematoria and places of worship, it is possible to have one or more photographs of your loved one projected onto slides during the service. Other possibilities to enable the service to be personal for you and the family include having something in or on the coffin that was meaningful to the person such as a football scarf, photograph in a frame, Policeman’s cap, etc, or helping to carry the coffin in or out.
If you have family who are unable to be at the service who would like to be, dependent upon Wi-Fi and the technology of the venue, there may be the option of a live viewing (usually available for a few days after the service) or video recordings of the service can be offered.
If you have family members with access or hearing impairment issues discuss this with the minister in advance so that their needs can be accommodated if possible.
Funeral Directors
Funeral directors are required to provide full information about funerals and costs on their websites. Funeral directors have a great deal of experience, and can provide you with information, but please ensure you check and compare funeral directors to find the one that best suits your needs and financial circumstances. Our page Find a Funeral Director page here may help.
If you are struggling to cover the cost of a funeral please visit Down to Earth, a Quaker Social Action project that helps individuals with financial challenges cover the cost of a funeral.
You many also be eligible for a grant. There’s a helpful guide here.
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