Mother’s Day - and Grief
Mother’s Day can be hard when we are grieving, particularly if we have lost our mother, or grandmother – or the mother of our children. It may feel wrong to celebrate, or to ignore the day. Remember: there is no right or wrong way to get yourself through such an occasion.
The lead up to the day may trigger painful emotions and memories; greetings cards marking the day or promotions in shops and restaurants are unavoidable in the weeks prior. A grieving person can feel mixed emotions from anticipation, even excitement to guilt and sadness simultaneously – and that can take a toll on our mental wellbeing.
Acknowledge and Allow This Impact on You
On any special date it is only natural to face mixed emotions. The key is to allow yourself to express these feelings and do whatever is right for you.
Remember that there are most likely others around you who are grieving the same person or have their own bereavements. It may be helpful to communicate with those close to you about the upcoming day, perhaps to negotiate how you may handle the occasion together. This reduces the risk of feeling isolated in your grief.
Focus On the Good Times
It’s natural following the death of a loved one, for the period leading up to the death to dominate our thoughts. This can especially be the case if there was a long phase of illness. A useful way to get through days like this is to try to focus our minds on our happiest memories with the person we have lost and to make a point of talking with others about how special they were.
Ignore the Day Completely
There is nothing wrong with detaching yourself from the day. Trying to plan how or what we should do with the day can feel burdensome when we are grieving. If the thought of the day is causing too much stress, why not let yourself do something different with it?
Spend the time doing what makes you happy, whether that's meeting friends at the pub, taking yourself on a long walk or simply having a sofa day. Remember, you are not grieving ‘wrongly’ by choosing not to mark every occasion.
Wear a Remembering Someone Badge
Mother’s Day is an ideal day to wear an AtaLoss ‘Remembering Somone’ badge to communicate that you are feeling fragile at this time and to spark off conversations about the person who has died. It can be a good way to break a silence that may have emerged about the person and to ask others to recall memories for treasuring together. See: Our Remembering Someone Badges.
Create an Online Memorial
You may wish to create a communal space of remembrance for you and your loved ones to collectively remember and honour the life of the person who has died.
We have a page specially for this on our website. Messages and photographs can be shared, and you can even create events or start fundraising in their memory.
Take a look at our memorial pages.
Get Support
If you’re struggling with Mother’s Day, don’t be afraid to seek help. On this website you can find the full range of bereavement support services from across the UK, plus a growing bank of resources and information to help you with your loss, whether the death was recent or long ago.
Go to AtaLoss.org.
Above all, put yourself and your own needs first at this time. There are undoubtedly others who will need your support in due course, and to be in a good place for them for then you need to invest in yourself now.
Yvonne Tulloch
Yvonne is CEO of AtaLoss and leader of AtaLoss’ nationally acclaimed The Bereavement Journey® programme, helping bereaved people to process their loss.
For more information go to: www.thebereavementjourney.org
See the 400+ UK locations here: www.thebereavementjourney.org/locations
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