Supporting Grieving Students - Returning to University
As the new university year begins, supporting young adults as they navigate being away from home can be challenging. Here our Founder, Yvonne Tulloch provides quick tips on how to do so.
Leaving home to go to college or university can be stressful and isolating at the best of times, but doing so as a bereaved young adult is especially difficult. For many students a bereavement affects their ability to concentrate, form friendships and/or throw themselves into university life. For others getting away from home can be the relief that they need; distanced from all the sadness, reminders and perhaps fraught relationships.
If the loss occurred during the holidays make sure the university is informed, especially your son or daughter’s tutor or pastoral contact. Support services at universities vary a lot so investigate with your son or daughter what their university offers and how students can be signposted. Consider informing the Chaplaincy team too and any other staff they come into contact with. Ensure your son or daughter knows they should always be in control of whether or not they want to talk about the bereavement at all times. Suggest they also tell their friends in advance of arrival – maybe even compose with them an email with the details - so they don’t have to face repeatedly answering questions.
Ensure they pack some extra goodies and treats to take with them and be sure to contact them more regularly than usual. Ask them how they are feeling and have the courage to mention the person who has died. If they have a good friend at Uni or if you hear about one and are able to be in touch, ask them to let you know in confidence if they are ever concerned.
Watch out for inability to cope, withdrawal, poor eating, reckless behaviour, excessive drink or substance abuse. If you are concerned, inform the University. Ask them to look out for your son or daughter and ensure they are receiving appropriate support.
Otherwise leave them to see if they are able to manage. Young adults need to be treated like adults and allowed to make a way for themselves. It maybe they will manage very well, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need to process the loss for themselves. Some may find Uni the ideal place to do so, whilst others will want to put their grief aside for a while to concentrate on their studies and new life.
If they can cope with exploring their loss whilst away then let them know about AtaLoss.org, where they can find the support that is available to them in their area or online. Let’s Talk About Loss is a great means of online support for their age group, and the Chaplaincy team or a local church may be running The Bereavement Journey® peer group support in person. Alternatively, they can access our own national The Bereavement Journey programme which runs termly online and has groups for young adults.
Importantly, don’t let your son or daughter flounder whilst away, or avoid exploring their grief for too long. If they need to take some time out to do so it will be well worth the time invested. Too many adults suffer ongoing consequences from unprocessed loss, whether it be failure to attain qualifications, built up anger, relationship problems or mental ill-health. Your son or daughter needs to do their own grieving at some stage, whether now or when life settles down.
Although bereavement at a young age is very challenging, be encouraged; it has the potential for deep and life-long friendships and for insight and determination that will make them stand out.
Yvonne, who is Founder and CEO of AtaLoss, was suddenly widowed aged 45, leaving her supporting 3 children at, or starting, university. “Somehow”, she says, “we survived."
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