Losing a - Child

The death of a child, of any age, brings heartbreak and devastation. Whether a child died recently or some time ago, the pain will always be there. 

The following is a list of things bereaved parents often want others to know about their grief.

Nine Things Bereaved Parents Want You to Know

1. You Can’t Fix Our Grief

Our grief is here to stay. Our child has died, but that doesn’t mean that we stop loving them or that they are not present in our lives anymore. Please don’t do or say anything that you think will make it go away. To do so is to reduce further what is already a broken heart.

2. There Is No Timetable for Grief

People say that time is a healer but the grief we have for our child has no end. This grief is for life. It’s not something we will “get over”.  What you may observe is that grief comes in waves – at times overwhelming, at times barely noticeable but it will never go away.

3. Grief for a Child Is Not Like Other Kinds of Grief

The death of a child is never a natural event and is always in the wrong order of things. For most bereaved parents life will now seem very unfair.   Consequently, our grief is going to be of a different order.   This is not to say that other forms of grief aren’t valid, just that the death of a child can produce a number of more complicated responses.   When an older person dies, generally speaking we have a whole life story to remember – we have their history to tell. When a child dies it’s not only their history, it’s their future we have lost.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About My Child or to Say Their Name

More than anything we want to talk about our child, to remember how s/he lived even more perhaps than how s/he died.   To recall memories with you is to know that you cared for our child and that you care for us. But perhaps more than that, sharing stories about our child’s life will help us to accept their death – to make it more real. Remembering to include their name on Christmas cards is always a good thing.

5. Much of the Time We Will Hide Our Grief

Our lives may appear normal but often we are really struggling just to get out of bed in the morning. We wish we weren’t so broken as the pretence can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Grief is exhausting and it’s not something we necessarily want to share. That might be difficult to understand but sometimes it's like we are living in a parallel universe and it’s not one we would want you to join.

Please try not to be offended if you feel shut out from our grief – this is not personal.

6. Don’t Run Away From Our Grief

When we do talk about how we are doing, try just to listen and to accept what are some very strong emotions. Just as there is nothing you can do to bring our child back, there’s nothing you can do to fix our grief. We know how painful, how awkward and how helpless this could make you feel, but if you can hold onto those feelings and stay with us, silently if necessary, but always without judgement, then we will know how much you really do care.

7. Think Before You Speak

We know it’s hard to find the right words, but it’s hard for us too. In a way it’s better to remain silent rather than come out with inane platitudes. Frankly, it doesn’t help to be told our child is ‘in a better place’, and it matters not that we may have other children to care for. Neither do we want to have another one as a replacement. We know you mean well, but please don’t say you understand unless you really do. We don’t need you to interpret our grief or to advise us of a better way to grieve.

8. Do Some Research on Child Loss and Parental Grief

There is a wealth of literature available on how bereaved parents adapt and survive after the death of a child.   See the resources section here, which includes Child Bereavement UK, Aching Arms and The Compassionate Friends. 

9. Know That We Have Changed

Bereaved parents are very different people to who we were before our child died. When our child died a huge part of us died too. We have been traumatised by our child’s death and the shock to the system has provoked a new way of looking at life.   Our priorities may have changed, our views about faith may have changed, and we are in the process of finding ourselves again in what has for us become a very uncertain world.

Please have patience while we learn how to trust again. 

If You Have Lost a Child Yourself

Please remember there is no need to feel ashamed about struggling deeply. You didn’t choose this, and there are many people who will do their best to understand and support you, whilst being aware that there are no quick and easy answers.

Go to our services search to find all the child loss services available, whether national or local to you.

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