How to - Hold Your Own Memorial
There are a number of reasons why people are unable to attend a funeral, which can leave them feeling disappointed, isolated and with even more loss and pain. If this is you, you may wish to try some of the following ideas for holding your own time of thanksgiving, to help you navigate your feelings, have a sense of joining the other mourners and to say your goodbye.
Preparing for Your Memorial Time
Take the time to think about simple things that would be meaningful both to you and to the person who has died. Is there something that they really enjoyed that you could include: a piece of music, a treasured photo or memento, even the scarf from the football team they supported? Perhaps you could write about them and have it ready to read out?
Select a place where you will sit and be still and decide on the length of time you will be there. If you know when the funeral is you may like to hold your memorial at the same time. If not, or if the time does not work for you, choose a time that does, and earmark it for your own remembering time. If you are alone, call a family member or a friend and let them know at what time you will be holding your service. They may be willing to ‘join’ you at the same time either with technology, or in spirit wherever they are situated.
What You Might Do in Your Thanksgiving Time
At the designated time, you could light a small candle to mark the beginning of your thanksgiving time. Include stories and pictures, things you are grateful for about the person and how you will remember them, and prayers that are meaningful to you or may have been for them.
If there are children in the household, do involve them. Let them prepare drawings or things to say, let them see tears and also laugh at the quirky memories. Answer their questions as truthfully as you can for their age.
When you reach the end of your allotted time, say something in conclusion, perhaps in thankfulness. There will not, of course be the usual gathering of friends over a cup of tea or a glass of beer, but you could nonetheless make yourself something nice to eat and drink, and perhaps toast the life of the person you have lost.
When it feels comfortable you could blow out your candle and verbalise your goodbye.
Creating Another Memorial
Finally, you might like to think about saying goodbye at another time with others. Perhaps to plant a tree, bury or scatter ashes, put up a plaque, create a memory album or hold a service when it is more possible to meet. You may not have been able to be at the actual funeral but your marking of their life can be just as meaningful and special by gathering or doing things in other times and in other ways.
If you are a friend or colleague, perhaps suggest to others that you do something together to mark the life lost and ask for ideas. They may have been unable to attend the funeral too and will be grateful for the opportunity to do something with you.
You can create a memorial page for someone you have lost on our website too.
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